*Warning: A lot of this is just rambling, because I just need to get it off my chest. Not so much ranting, mostly just musing. You’ve been warned.*
You ever get to a point when you have to wonder what you’re doing? With your writing, with your life in general? That’s where I’m at right now. I love writing, and I’ll never stop doing it. I don’t think I could even if I tried. But I have to wonder what I’m doing with the rest of my life right now. Nothing seems to be working out, no matter how hard I’m fighting to do it. Yes, I know this makes it sound like I’m giving up. I’m not. I don’t just give up on things. I’m naturally too stubborn to just give up.
But it feels like everything is way harder than it needs to be, than it should be. I see things working out for friends of mine, and they barely lift a finger. I exhaust myself, and nothing comes of it. I don’t know if it’s a lack of support, or just a lack or resources and eyes that does it, but it’s like everything I do is destined to fail.
Because of that, it’s like my motivation just flies out the window. All motivation. Not just writing, but my motivation to do anything. Seeing friends, art, baking, anything. All of it seems like so much more work when I try so hard to do things I love, hoping that other people will like those things even a fraction of how much I do, and they go on ignored entirely. I know art shouldn’t be created for other people. I’m not saying that’s why I do any of it, because that would be lying. All I am saying is that I have been working so hard for so long on my art and writing, along with fashion design and photography, and so far I’ve made a handful of dollars from all of it combined. And it’s not even about the money, it’s mostly just that nothing has picked up in the slightest.
I don’t expect anything handed to me. I hate asking for things. I know how hard it is to get anywhere with any creative career. I know that for most people it’s pretty much impossible. But I am so stubborn that I refuse to be one of those people who never gets anywhere with it. This is what I want to do, what I’ve always dreamed of doing. And in some ways it is happening, albeit excruciatingly slowly.
I guess it’s just one of those phases… I know all artists go through them. Those times when they don’t feel like they are good enough, like quitting might be the best option. I guess what matters now is forcing myself to get through it and actually get something done. Like the short stories I’m publishing soon on Amazon.
Wish me luck, I’m going to need it to make this happen…